LSS OF THE DAY: "TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME"

From: RENT [Movie/Musical]

"Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And IF YOU GIVE A DAMN, TAKE ME BABY, OR LEAVE ME."







Yeah yeah yeah, I'm still bitter.







I know I should be over this by now, but, I'm not. Gee, how vague can I get?






I bet you people are probably sick and tired of me ranting on and on and on and on about a certain tall, dark, skinny man who stole my heart and crushed it to pieces. Forgive me for being all senti and emo, but this is how I'm really feeling; and I'm SEMI-DEPRESSED too. What's new, right?







I'm feeling shitty, restless, exhausted, emotionally drained. In short, I feel like CRAP. And I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.







I love him, I really do. But I know I can't have him. Isn't that enough to make me forget that this whole thing ever happened? Apparently, NOT.







CRAP. CRAP. CRAP. CRAP. CRAP. CRAP!







So, anyway, Kathleen, Melanie and Armely came over yesterday so we could watch "Sweeney Todd". Funny really, I watched it last week with my friends when they came over, and now I watched it with them. I guess it's one of those movies that you just gotta have someone near you while watching it. And Armely was sweet enough to text me just to say thank you; it just goes to show that there are still good people left in this world. And needless to say, they added a bit of color to my now dull world of summer.






I was chatting with a few people last night and one of them just happened to be my cousin, Enzo. I remember how close we were when we were kids. Everytime he and his family came to visit, we'd play with each other from the moment we got out of bed in the morning to the moment our parents forced us to go to sleep at night. But then there came a time when they stopped coming for about three or four years, and the next time we saw each other, it was like during those years when we failed to meet, a wall built itself between us. We changed; we were no longer the silly kids who'd run around, chasing each other in the backyard, talking about Power Rangers and our favorite cartoons; we were grown-ups, strangers.







But last night, I felt like the wall was finally crumbling before my very eyes. He was really nice and fun to talk to; all of a sudden I saw the kid I used to play with, through the window of cyberspace. He was open to me, and I to him and we just let our conversation flow freely. I really enjoyed talking to him and I'd be even more happy if that were to happen again. We have a lot of catching up to do, after all.






One thing did make my day yesterday, aside from the girls coming over..I PASSED ALL MY SUBJECTS!






And I just remembered: my birthday's coming up soon; I'm turning the big 1-9 in seven days. The clock's ticking..







I'm bored. I can't wait to go back to Manila and see my friends.








And, although I'm hating myself for admitting it, I'd like to see HIM again..

Labels: crap, depression and tears, friends, RENT, shitty

NO LSS

Shocking, eh?

And just when I thought that things couldn't get any worse, it did. It sooooooooo did.







I guess there's a reason why I haven't been dreaming in my sleep for the past couple of weeks. Usually, I'd see dancing hippos and singing ostriches in leotards and high heels (so reminiscent of Fantasia, don't you think?); strange, yes, but I really do have dreams like that sometimes. I've been wondering why for awhile now; but after last night, I can't help but think that it's either I've gone insane or I'm just thinking plain nonsense.








My dream last night involved, well...him.







We were in a mall, a very unfamiliar one too, if I may add, and while we were walking, he held my hand. An alarm went off in my head and I remember thinking, "Wait, we're not a couple! What the heck?!"; I attempted to make him let go (yes, I really did; and it's up to you if you believe me or not) but he wouldn't. So, I just let him. And later on he was putting his arm around my shoulders, hugging me, whispering sweet stuff to me and all that lovey-dovey whatever. And that went on until I woke up.







Sure, the last thing I thought of before going to bed was "I wonder how he's doing right now.." but I didn't think that I'd dream of him that way!







And I'm not saying that I'm going to cling to that dream because let's face it, it's just a dream. JUST A DREAM.







And I'll just keep repeating that until I convince myself that it's nothing but a dream and not of the "possible" future!







..wait..CRAP! NO!







I should be convincing myself that he's a no-good-egotistical-smoking-drinking-loving-jerk and not the one-guy-who'll-sweep-me-off-my-feet-and-ride-off-into-the-sunset that he is! Wait, that didn't come out right..








UGH. I am so hopeless. Somebody PLEASE kill me now.







On a more different note, Ramiele Malubay got kicked of American Idol this week. So sad! I wanted Christy to go!

"God on high, hear my prayer. In my need, you have always been there.."

Is it too late to ask for a miracle?

Labels: American Idol, crap, depression and tears, dreams, shitty

*This post has been edited.

LSS OF THE DAY: "WITHOUT YOU"

From: RENT [Movie/Musical]

*sigh*





I haven't heard from him since yesterday. And he said that the message he sent me wasn't supposed to be for me. Oh, fine. Whatever.





Do you think I'm paranoid? Thinking of a guy who clearly doesn't think or give a damn about me? I hate it when I feel this way. I feel so helpless.






Maybe I really should move on. Maybe I really should forget about him. But, as I always say, "Easier said than done".






When my friends ask how "we're" doing, I don't know what to say to them. I usually shrug and try to answer as indifferently as I could; but knowing them, I could tell that they can see that it's not just that. I know they can see the hurt and confusion in my eyes, but thankfully, they don't bring it up.





I keep on asking myself, "Why do I even bother?"; and a little voice in my head answers: "Because you love him". ARGH! Stupid voice.





I thought that I was going to enjoy my summer vacation. Kick back, relax and all that stuff. I am relaxing, but when I'm not doing anything my mind tends to wander; and mre often than not, I keep on thinking about him. What he's doing, how he is, if he ever thinks about me, or if I ever cross his mind even for a split second....NO! STOP IT!






As odd and as mean as it sounds, I want to see him bleed as much as I did, and still do, as matter of fact. I want to see that he's really affected, I don't want to just hear him say, "Yeah, I got affected" because it's not enough. I want to SEE it; in his face, in his actions, in everything that he does. I want to see that I'm not the only one suffering from this problem of ours. I know it sounds harsh, but I'm still feeling a little bitter towards him.






*sigh*

I LOVE YOU. EVEN THOUGH YOUR KILLING ME

I'm breaking down. When will this end?

..will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

Labels: crap, depression and tears, love thing, questions, relapse, RENT, shitty

LSS OF THE DAY: "RENT"

From: RENT [Musical/Movie]

Be warned--this is gonna be an emo post.






I just can't stand it anymore! Why is he acting so indifferent? Can't he see that he's making me suffer more? Sure, it was nice of him to ask me if I'm going to the Graduation of our Seniors tomorrow, but he could have at least finished our conversation! I hate it when people leave me hanging without saying "goodbye", especially if the conversation was getting interesting. Sometimes I just want to smack him for being so oblivious to what's going on; maybe that might knock some sense into him.






I'll admit that I'm weak when it comes to him. I can't stop myself from opening up to him or spilling me heart out; it comes naturally, really, especially if I feel different for the person on question. I just really hate it when he thinks that everything's "okay" between us then he'll start acting like nothing's happened. Well, that "nothing" pushed me to the brink of my sanity, made me wander aimlessly, made me shed tears, and worst of all, BROKE MY HEART. Yes, my heart got broken--YET AGAIN.






This afternoon, while I was listening to the song "Will I" from RENT, I started crying; I couldn't help it. I wanted to scream, I wanted to pull my hair, I wanted to cry and cry and cry until my eyes dried up; but I didn't. I just let it all out through singing along while I allowed the tears to fall.






I love him. I love him. I love him. I can't get over him. What the hell is wrong with me?!






We NEVER got together, and yet I still have that hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach after a break-up. How did I get so emotionally attached to someone I never had a real relationship with? I want to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, move on, and never look back. But everytime I pick up a piece, I drop it again; and when I move forward, I keep looking over my shoulder. I can't stop. I can't stop..







Now, everybody, SING WITH ME!

..will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?
- "Will I", RENT



This heart is not the first heart broken,
My eyes are not the first to cry,
I'm not the first to know,
There's just no gettin' over you
I know I'm just a fool who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see,
There's nothin' else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's nowhere to hide,
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm not in my head,
hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying "fool, forget him",
My heart is saying "don't let go"
Hold on to the end, that's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
- "Hopelessly Devoted To You", GREASE


If I loved you,
Time and again I would try to say
All I'd want you to know.
If I loved you,
Words wouldn't come in an easy way
Round in circles I'd go!
Longin' to tell you,
But afraid and shy,
I'd let my golden chances pass me by!
Soon you'd leave me,
Off you would go in the mist of day,
Never, never to know how I loved you
If I loved you.
- "If I Loved You", CAROUSEL

*sigh* I really, REALLY need some sort of distraction or something. I seriously need to get him out of my head.







Damn. I'm falling apart..again.

Labels: crap, depression and tears, love thing, RENT, shitty

LSS OF THE DAY: "FINALE B"

From: RENT [Movie/Musical]

Sooooooooooo many things have happened since my last update. So, what are we waiting for? Let's get to it!






The Debate, our finals in English, went well. I was part of the Opposition with Meg and Ella while Mark Anido, Waki and Rissa made up our Government. We were given three topics to research on and then our professor will just randomly select one on the day of the debate itself. The three topics were: 1.) UST: 4oo Years Of Student Empowerment, or 400 Years of Colonialism?; 2.) Migration: A Success Or Failure To Nationalism?; and 3.) English As A Classroom Medium Of Instruction. We feverishly debated amongst ourselves and absorbed every little detail that we could come across. On the day of the debate itself, we found out that we were going to go against either the students from Sociology or Political Science; I remember my head shooting up to look warily at whoever said it. I just realized then that Danzel was in Sociology, so, yeah, that meant that he just MIGHT be there. I prayed in my head that he wasn't going to be there so I pushed him out of my thoughts since I had a debate to worry about.






It was also the first day of our final examinations on Thursday so we had to cram two other subjects (HR and Stat) aside from all the information we got from our classmates. We staggered out of the classroom as soon as we passed our papers and started reading through our notes; our last exam ended at 12:40 and the debate was scheduled at 1p.m., so no lunch break. We had to change clothes because our professor said that we had to look "professional".






So, we trudged to the Tan Yan Kee Student Center, up to the fourth floor, and into the AVR; the same place where we had the Team Building seminar the week before. I scanned the room; no tall, dark, thin guy with a goatee. I sighed in relief. Our professor was announcing who'll battle against who and, surprise, surprise! We were gonna go against Socio and our topic was the English thing, which by far was the easiest. My knees were shaking by the time we were walking towards the table where we were assigned. I took several deep breaths while waiting for the Government side speak up.






The first speaker lacked the conviction that a person needed to sound strong and sure, but we listened intently to what she had to say so we could point out any flaws in their arguments. Meg did a great job at countering their speeches; the Deputy Prmie Minister of the Government had such a soft voice that I could only get bits and pieces of her speech and that was what I needed! So when it was my turn to speak, I couldn't think of any other thing to say so I had to cut short my speech by three minutes or so. And guess what? While I was talking, HE walked in; he even hid behind our professor and I saw some of his classmates proding him. When I sat down, I knew he was looking at me the whole time but I kept my head turned the other way. And, WE WON!







Sadly, Mark, Rissa and Waki lost to Political Science. No offense, but some fo them were straying off the topic and yet they won? Biased!






So anyway, after the debate, to our surprise, Trish (our class president) and Cel (our vice-president) bought food for us, courtesy of the whole class. You could just imagine how hungry we were. THANKS GUYS!






We hung out in school for awhile; me, Meg, Albert, Simon and Jo, who joined us a little later, stayed in Lovers Lane. A little later, I looked at my phone, and I saw that Danzel texted me.



(originally in Tagalog, but I translated it into English)
D: Hey, Marvs wants to get your number. Is it okay if I give it to him? (Marvs was the guy Danzel was campaigning for in the elections and we've been friends since)
L: Sure! And can you tell him that I'll get his number from Jo since I'm with her anyway?
D: Yeah, Jo just texted me. Where are you?
L: In Lovers Lane.
D: Do you want me to go there.
L: It's okay with me. You're not busy or anything?
D: Nope. I'm not doing anything.
L: Okay. But are you sure you wanna come? Meg's here. (Yes, they know each other; they tease each other a lot so I just made sure)
D: You don't want me to go?
L: I said it's okay. I was just asking.
D: You might be mad at me. By the way, congratulations on your win. You did a great job.
L: What makes you think that I'm mad at you? Oh, thanks.
D: Oh, nothing. I'll be there a little later.

But then, the guard shooed us off becuase of the curfew. So I texted him.

L: Hey, they're making us leave. How's that?
D: Let's still meet. I'm near the field. I'll meet you there.

By this time, Meg and Simon already left so it's just me, Albert and Jo. He came, we went out to P. Noval, Albert left us, then we went to Jolibbee in Lacson. Since Jo and Danzel are both from the same political party, all they talked about was politics and I just butted in once in a while. When Jo stood up to order ice cream I asked him:

L: What made you think that I was mad at you?
D: (looks down) Nothing, really. It just crossed my mind.

He really wouldn't look at me in the eye while were talking. Around quarter to midnight, we decided that it was time to leave. Jo went straight out while were turned right to Dapitan. We talked until we reached my dorm. When he left, I texted him:

L: Hey, Danz. Thanks for meeting us and for taking me to the dorm. Take care, okay?
D: Sure, that was nothing. But next time, it just has to be the two of us.

I was a bit surprised at what he said but I decided to let it slide.





The next day, we didn't have classes but we weren't given time to relax because we promised Jo that we'd help her out with her staffing duties for the Baccalureate Mass. We distributed the food, ordered the Seniors around and stuff like that. While we were doing all that stuff, Danzel and I were still texting. He was supposed to be there but his parents forced him to go home. We were busy for the whole day; tiring, but fun.


L: So, this is what you do.
D: Yeah. Do you understand me now?
L: I always have. That's why I'm leaving you alone.
D: Ah. By the way, what is it with you and Albert?
L: Albert? Why?
D: Nothing. Just asking.
L: He's part of our group. Why?
D: Nothing.
L: Okay. So, I guess we should forget about it, huh?
D: I don't think so. Let's stay neutral.
L: Neutral?
D: Yeah. Whatever's happening now, let's keep it that way.
L: Okay.

I forgot what else we talked about since it was around this time that we were already watching the fireworks. While we were getting the Seniors ready to pas under the Arc of the Centuries, Kuya Ace, one of the Staffers, approached us and told us that Simon was in the hospital. Apparently, he collapsed while he was doing what he was supposed to do; I kind of expected someone to give way at any time but I wasn't expecting him. So after everything was done, we went to the hospital and watched over Simon until his parents came back. We left around quarter to 12.







The next day, we had an exam in Biology at 10a.m. And right after that, Danzel texted me again, asking me if I could accompany him somewhere. I agreed, so we arranged the time and place of where we were going to meet. After we did what he asked me to do, I got ready for the Launching of the Behavioral Science Federation. Meg came over and she put make-up on me. The pictures are still being uploaded on my Multiply. I had a lot of fun. Kuya JPaul kept on taking pictures of me and Jan. Crazy guy. Then we went to the GAP victory party afterwards. Meg ahd to leave early and I got back to the dorm around 1a.m.







The next day, Sunday, I was too lazy to get out of bed. And, surpise! Danzel texted me again asking if I could hear Mass with him. I couldn't say no. So I went to UST around 3:30 just so I can have time for myself. Marvs was there too so we hung out for a bit while we waited for Danzel. When he came, they smoked a bit, then we went to McDonald's. He even laid his arm on my leg when I was facing him. Marvs left so it was just me and him going to Church. There were a lot of people so we stayed outside. When it came to the "Peace be with you" part, I turned to face him, when I felt him kiss me on the cheek AND half of my lips. I was stunned beyong words. When he saw the look on my face he said that he and his blockmates do it everytime they hear Mass together. I just laughed it off.







Looking back on that, I still wonder where's the "neutral" that he told me. Oh well. We'll see.....







Exams are over! We went to Trinoma right after our last exam and went to Red Box for videoke. So much fun! Can't wait to do it again.







I'm home in Dagupan now. And I'm sooooooo tired!







I have so much more to say, but right now, I really have to sleep.







See yah later, love!

Labels: confusion, crap, depression and tears, friends, friends and laughter, likes and dislikes, love, love thing, relapse, RENT, summer

LSS OF THE DAY: "WITHOUT YOU"

From: RENT [Movie/Musical]

Dear lord, I'm exhausted.






Last Saturday, I didn't go home. So yeah, I was stuck in my cave (dorm).






And last Sunday, I had to attend this thing for LTS; okay, it was a Mass and sort of like a closing program but I found it to be dull. And what was worse was that the NSTP coordinator told us off for being noisy, TWICE! That was so humiliating. And to think, we're in college and yet we still act like a bunch of pre-schoolers. Oh well. We stayed in school until 8pm. As always, we played frisbee even though it was pretty dark. Lots of one-on-one moments that I'll never forget.






Sarah and Mau broke up; but I think they're together again. Or is it just my imagination?






My ninang from the States called me yesterday just to check on how I was doing. I was really touched when she told me that she misses me. She's one of those old people who knows how to relate to today's generation, since she has two kids who are just a few years older than me. She told me stories about her younger days, when she and my tito weren't married yet. Their courtship, how they were able to handle their break-up and still remained close, and how he proposed. Needless to say, it was nakakakilig; and coming from her, that's saying a lot! I told her about my current "situation" with--well, you know who; she told me some stuff and I'd rather not say them here. Ssssshhh! I can't wait for her to call again.






And I am very pleased to say that as of yesterday, I have a son! Not biological, of course. Remember our family tree? Iris is my "mom", Meg and Janel are my "daughters", Sarah's our "dog", Gian's my "sister", Albert's my "brother-in-law", Simon's my "stepfather"; we don't have positions for Judith, Claudette and Jigo yet, and now Jay (Albert's friend, who's been hanging out with us) is now my "son". Me, Meg, Albert and Jay stayed in school until seven last night in Lovers Lane. Just talking. Meg even took a video of Jay and his inability to do the steps that Jigo did last week; now I have something to laugh at when I'm depressed. No offense, Jay; love yah, m'boy!






And tomorrow's gonna be a busy day for us.

MARCH 12, 2008 (Wednesday)

8:00 - 9:00 -> Meet up at the Pav for Stat
9:00 - 12:00 -> Debate drill
12:00 - 3:00 -> CLASSES
3:00 - 4:00 -> Exam in Theology (should have been today but she didn't show up)

*and some time between 4:00-7:00 we have to take a quiz in Bio through E-Leap AND attend the election of officers for BESSCIFED.

Is that busy, or is that busy?






Which reminds me, I have to write down all that stuff that Meg told me for the debate. I volunteered to replace Judith since she really wasn't into it. At least I made someone's day.






I'm beginning to notice something. But I wouldn't want to sound hasty or anything, so I'll just sit back and watch how everything will turn out.






I saw him awhile ago in front of our building, while I was talking to Albert. I hate it when I get shivers down my spine everytime I see him. I am so weak. Pathetic, really.

"If he doesn't make a move, forget about him" - my friends.

But the thing is, I'm already trying. Why isn't it working?

Labels: BesFed, crap, decisions, depression and tears, emotions, exhaustion, family, love thing, relapse, reminders, RENT, revelations, schedules, school, school woes

LSS OF THE DAY: "WILL I"

From: RENT [Movie/Musical]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Here I go again.






When was my last update? So anyway, two days ago (March 5, Wednesday), we had this team building thing with the other section. I have to admit, it was fun! I learned a lot from my fellow BESmates and I'm really looking forward to the times when we'll be working together again. And I made new friends too. We did this "Amazing Race" sort fo thing where we had to run from the fourth floor of the Tan Yan Kee building to Lovers Lane, to the field, to the Quadri, then back to TYK. I didn't eat a lot so I wasn't running as fast I should; and I even fell three times in one of the activities! But it was worth it. I'll post my pictures the next time I get home, which is like, after forever?







We even played frisbee until quarter to ten after that! Me, Meg, Jigo, and Albert stayed and later some people from BES2 joined us.






My body was so sore yesterday that I had the slightest difficulty in walking and moving a lot.







And speaking of yesterday, I was high-depressed. I was high because I was depressed. I was tired, I was depressed, and I was pissed. Some people just don't know how to show respect to some people and they don't know when to keep their mouths shut. I swear, I wanted to slap them just to keep them quiet. Many times I just wanted to tell them off, just to show how pissed I was, but I kept telling myself to be patient. Some of them asked how I was since I was so quiet and that I kept on staring into space; I appreciate their concern, but they don't know the real reason. I was really high-strung yesterday; thank goodness I was able to let off some steam.







*sigh* So many things have been happening for the past few days. Sometimes I wonder if it's all just coincidence or..I dunno..fate? I mean, what are the odds of us seeing each other in the same place three times? (Yes, I'm counting, but so what?!) He tried to get my attention last night, but pride kept me from acknowledging him completely. After everything that happened, he still thinks that everything's okay between us? Sure, he textes me more now, even though it's already super late; but still! Why does he even bother? I'm still hurting from what he did and I haven't totally forgiven him.






Although, alright, I admit, I still care for the guy; heck, I LOVE him for crying out loud! But I still can't bring myself to fully accept what he said.






But...I may say that I'm mad at him now, but when the time comes that he'll ask for a second chance, I know that I'm gonna give it to hom. My feelings are too strong; I can't avoid that. Call me stupid, call me a bitch, call me desperate, I DON'T CARE.







Just like what Albert and Jo told me last night, "He doesn't deserve you. Move on". Easier said that done, I'm afraid. But I am trying, really!

"Sometimes in my darkest thoughts, I wish I never learned what it is to be in love and have that love returned". - Written In The Stars, AIDA.

I won't be going home. Oh well. And exams are coming up. Crunch time, baby!








'Til next time, love!

Labels: depression and tears, friends, love, love thing, relapse, RENT

LSS OF THE DAY: "LOVE HEALS"

From: RENT[Movie/Musical]

No matter how much I want to choke on those words, I still love the song; because it came from RENT.






My head's aching a bit.






I'm being random, can you tell?





Tony's carrying a virus because the darn computer shop I went to had it and now whenever I plug Tony in, it comes out! UGH!






I still feel sleepy.





Papers, papers, papers, papers, papers, papers, papers......






After seeing him last Friday, I hope that I NEVER see him again. Everytime I do see him, I feel as if my heart's being clenched with iron fingers. It hurts so badly, I can't breathe.






The presentation I made for our assignment in Computer was okay; subject? My friends, of course.






Dad, Pats and Monsi came to visit me yesterday, and I had fun with them. I miss them already. Albert was right; I need to go home once in a while to "recharge my batteries", as he said.






I'm using the computer here in the computer lab. Our professor hasn't showed up yet so I'm making this post. Stat after this; great. I don't want to know my score from the last quiz. I'm certain that I failed it. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN.






I answered a lot of surveys on Multiply. I like doing that. Feel free to check them out: http://lauredilian.multiply.com






Gonna play football again on Wednesday.





I ate a whole pack of cookies yesterday and today. And I still want more. I hate being depressed. Does anybody eles have cookies? Or chocolate? I'm desperate!!






P.E. tomorrow; is it the last meeting already? I haven't researched on the rules of them game yet.

"There are those who shield their hearts, those who quit before they start. Who frozen up the part of them that feels.." - Love Heals, RENT

Labels: crap, depression and tears, random, relapse, RENT

LSS OF THE DAY: "I'LL COVER YOU"

From: RENT [Movie/Musical]

Yeah, yeah. You know the drill, sweetums.




*sigh*




..what? Oh. Yeah.




*shakes head*





I'm getting sick. I have the sniffles now and my throat's starting to hurt again. Ugh.






Anyway..





It's hard..you know. Pretending to be happy, when deep inside, your dying. Sometimes I wish that I could just rip my heart out and throw it away so I won't feel anymore. Sometimes I wish I don't have a soul so I could simply walk around, lifeless; that way I wouldn't feel the hurt, the shame, even the happiness that engulfs me. Sometimes, I wish, I'm not alive. I'm sick and tired of feeling. I'm sick and tired of EVERYTHING.






No, no, no..







Stop it already, Lui. You have to stop..

Labels: depression and tears, love thing, relapse, RENT

LSS OF THE DAY: "FINALE B"

From: RENT [Movie/Musical]

How long has it been? Feels like forever to me






Honestly, everything's a blur to me now. I feel like I'm walking in a daze; everything seems so real, yet, unreal at the same time. Am I making any sense?





Sometimes I ask myself if what would have happened if I never agreed to take him back? Would things be different?





I used to love my solitude; those rare times when I could just kick back, relax and let my mind wander. But when that does happen, I find myself drifting back to our last conversation and before I even realize what's happening, the tears start falling.





It pains me to think that he's found a--replacement for me, for lack of better word; and after all that we've been through, he now only sees, and loves me, as a "friend". Now, tell me that doesn't hurt..I dare you.





One of my friends said that he's not over me; yeah, right. And he expects me to believe that? What a load of crap.





Try as I might, I can't get him off my mind. Somehow he's always being pushed back in. I've tried everything; making new friends, "flirting" with other guys (not THAT kind of flirting; my cousin says that I'm already flirting with them and I don't even know it!), even eyeing guys from a distance. But none of them work. At the back of my mind it's always, "But he doesn't have eyes just like him.." or "He's not as tall as him.." or "He's not as skinny as him..". I want that voice to just SHUT UP and leave me be.





I'm being incredibly stupid just by saying that I still love him, even though deep down, we'll never get back together again. There's something about him that makes it extremely difficult for me to move on. Maybe it was the time we spent together? Or all the fights, laughter and tears that we shared? Two years is a pretty long time too, you know..





I never thought that I'd reach a point in my life where I would feel this way; I'm so torn and utterly confused. I wish that this would never happen again.





I wish that the pain will go away, and never come back. This one heartbreak is enough to last me a lifetime, thank you very much.






"He doesn't love me..he doesn't love me.." Yeah, I should keep telling myself that.





I apologize for this post. I seriously need to get my life back in order before I kill myself. I'm serious. I'm depressed enough as it is..

Labels: depression and tears, growing pains, heartbreak, love thing, past love and new hate, RENT, shitty

LSS OF THE DAY: "I'LL COVER YOU"

From: RENT [Movie/Musical]

The year's almost over; and to think that I should be over this by now, right? WRONG





Before I start to break down and bawl my eyes out, let me tell you guys about our Paskuhan since I didn't say anything about it. On that morning, December 19, upon waking up, the first thing that I said was, "OUCH"; why? Well, it was my first day of "that girl thing" and it hurt like hell! I couldn't move for the next thirty minutes or so, I just laid there on the top-bunk of our double-decker bed and fought the urge to scream my ass off. When I finally got down, I took a long bath and left to withdraw money from the bank before meeting up with my friends.





I got some bad news: Grizzly Bear couldn't make it. Oh well.





Once we were all there, we exchanged gifts and took pictures; as night fell, we watched the fireworks, grabbed some stuff to eat, sat on the grass in the field, watched Parokya Ni Edgar as they played; stuff like that.





There are a few things that I learned that night:

• When two of your friends are drunk, keep your distance or they'll breathe you to death;
  
• Never leave anyone out, even if they're busy doing something else; always ask if they could come;
  
• Don't wear too low-cut shirts;
  
• Don't wear bright-colored shirts if you know that your gonna sweat a lot;
  
• Bring a trashbag;
  
• Bring lots of extra cash;
  
• SLEEP AS MUCH AS YOU CAN THE DAY BEFORE SAID EVENT.
  

Yeah, two of my friends had I-S-S-U-E-S that day and they seriously need to sort them out by next year. They reeked of alcohol when they met up with us and it was disgusting.





And yes, we used trash bags to lie down on the grass since it was so...soily? Wait, is that even a word? Anyway, we sat there, as Parokya Ni Edgar played. It was almost midnight when we went home.





I went to Dagupan the next day.





I finally have the sheet music of "RENT" and "WICKED"; thanks Tita Beth!. Now all I need is a piano..





I got a henna tattoo! Just check it out on my Multiply.





On the 22nd, me and my family went to Manila to spend Christmas with our relatives in Fairview. Our relatives from Davao got there before us and there was a lot of greetings flying back and forth. That night, we watched this show called "The Wanders" in PAGCOR; it was amazing! All the stunts, the cute Chinese guys, the costumes, the cute Chinese guys, the songs, the cute Chinese guys and, oh yeah, the cute Chinese guys. I swear, my mouth was open through the entire show.





The next day, after hearing Mass, we played a game called "Cranium" which is sort of like a mixture of charades, trivia, drawing, clay-molding and a lot more stuff and it was really fun. Then at night we went to Trinoma, where we splurged on books, ate at Conggo Grille, and splurged again on TimeZone.





On Christmas Eve, our cousins from Antipolo came over for lunch and we had a game of Cranium, again. Had lots of fun, as always. We had a great dinner that night, then we opened our gifts and played games before hearing Mass. When we got back, we did a little bit of "witchcraft": runes, tarot cards; and as strange as it may sound, the runes and tarot cards that I got were--well--accurate to what I was feeling at the time. I won't say what they read, but let me just say that I was a bit freaked out.





And this morning, my family and the people from Davao went back to Dagupan..and here we are!





I had a great Christmas; I can't wait for next year





But sadly, my happiness isn't meant to last for long...





I know I shouldn't care. I know I should be getting over him; but no matter how hard I try, I just can't. It's like he's got this really firm grip on me that makes it hard for me to breathe. I was talking to him the other day and I asked him, just in passing, if he liked someone else; when he said that he might be starting to like someone else, I think my heart shirveled and burnt itself. I fought back the tears that threatened to fall even if I wanted to let it out so badly. I kept on thinking to myself, "You shouldn't care..you shouldn't care..". I wish I could say that it helped, but I would be lying to myself if I did.






After all this time, when I thought that I have started to move on, I crash back to where I started. I want to get over him so badly; I want this pain to end. This is so infuriating.






She's right; I'm trash. I don't deserve to be happy. Thank you for pointing that out; I needed a reality check.

With you my heart will always stay. With you my thoughts will be every day. You remain to be the one that I regret letting get away. Why didn't I say what I needed to say? You are the one I will always use my wishes on. You are the one I will always wish was never gone. I'll constantly wonder what went wrong. I'll forever think of what I could've did that was never done.

I wish I had the guts to walk away and forget about what we had. But, I can’t because I know you won't come after me, and I guess that's what hurts the most.

I hate you...and then I love you...it's like I want to throw you off a cliff....then rush to the bottom to catch you



Even if my heart should call out your name in the rain. Even if these arms should want to embrace you again. And even if I’m all cried out and no longer in pain... I’ll never fall in love that way again.

You said you couldnt stand to see my heart broken
... so when you broke it, did you close your eyes?

Try not to wonder about what might have been, ‘cause that was then and we have taken different roads. We can’t go back again, there’s no use giving in. And there’s no way to know, what might have been.

Loving is so short and forgetting so long.

Pleasure of love lasts but a moment, Pain of love lasts a lifetime

I wish I never said good bye... I wish I never let it die... but I did, and now all I want to do is cry

Things just keep getting better and better, eh?





Well, now it's time for me to lock myself up in my room, and cry my eyes out.





But before I leave:

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

Alright, now that that's over with..





See you later, love.

Labels: crap, depression and tears, family, friends, friends and laughter, love thing, relapse, RENT, school

LSS OF THE DAY: "WHAT YOU OWN" FROM RENT

Long time no blog!


I've been busy, and lazy at the same time so I wasn't able to update for awhile.


So, anyway, we went to Hong Kong and had a lot of fun. Of course, we went to Disneyland. There's just too much to say about what happened there. I wish I had more time. I swear that I'll say more next time.


I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT ANTHONY RAPP IS GAY. Sorry, I am still in denial even though I found out about it last Saturday. (He is not gay!)


I got a new phone! Its a Nokia 6233. Actually, it once belonged to my Dad he only had it for 2 or 3 months before he decided to buy a new phone because he said that the keypad was too small. Yey for me!


But, just a few days ago, Sunday to be exact, Trent (my phone) went haywire because of the security code. I couldn't unlock my phone even if I already removed the battery and simcard. So I went to Quiapo with the daughter of our landlady and looked for their "suki" in repairing cell phones. But they were closed so we kept on looking around and all the cell phone repair stores that we went to had the same price: 800 pesos. I decided to come back after class. When we were dismissed, I decided to go to SM San Lazaro and try my luck there. When I got to the place where the jeep, Jane (my room mate from first year) was there and she went with me. Lots of talking and catching up with each other. We went to GLobe and when they couldn't help us, we went to a cell phone repair shop near Globe. The guy said that it'll cost me 800 also; but Jane asked if we could pay for 500 and they agreed. So we waited, and waited, and waited. After 3 and a half hours of waiting, they still weren't done. So I said that I'll just come back for it the next day. The guy who was fixing my phone was really nice so he lent me his phone while mine was being fixed.


Now, we're okay. Thank goodness!


I am such a HYPOCRITE. And I am NOT PROUD of it.


Sarah's debut is coming up! But what am I going to wear?!


I dunno when I'll be able to upload my pictures from Hong Kong.

Labels: decisions, depression and tears, love thing, RENT, revelations, Trent

LSS OF THE DAY: "I'LL COVER YOU (REPRISE)" FROM THE MOVIE, RENT

So, here I go again. What can I do?


Can't use smileys. Darn computer here in Websternet's pretty slow.


I'm spreading the RENT love everywhere!


Busy week. Lots of stuff to do. P.E. was okay. Our first ever practice game; FUN! Even though my glasses came off while I caught the ball but I still managed to throw it to my team mate while putting them back on.


I just realized something. While I was listening to "La Vie Boheme", I wondered what the term "bohemia" meant to them. So I searched the Net for it and this was what came out:

In modern usage, the term "bohemian" can describe any person who lives an unconventional artistic life, where self-expression is the highest value — that art (acting, poetry, writing, singing, dancing, painting etc) is a serious and main focus of their life.

It was like a bell rang in my head after I read that. So, I'm a bohemian. I consider dancing and singing as my "highest value in my life". When I'm alone in my dorm room, I dance and sing like crazy but when I hear the doorknob turn I stop and pretend that I'm just walking around the room, thinking or something. Of course, I don't think my room mates suspect anything but I'm just playing safe. If they put on a play of "RENT" in school, I am so gonna audition and I wanna get the part of Mimi!


We don't have classes tomorrow. Forgot why.


Me and my friends are planning to go to Intramuros then to Trinoma next week on August 8, since we won't have classes then. I think we're gonna go through with it. I hope so.


I've been getting really weird dreams lately. What's gonna happen to me?!


I think I'm gonnaa get sick.


I've been feeling a little depressed lately. What's new?


I won't be going home for two weeks. One, because of my darn exam in NSTP (which will either be on Saturday OR Sunday) and then my preliminary examinations the week after. So I'll be staying with my Tita in Fairview for awhile.



I guess that will be all for today. Thank you to the people who drop by my blog once in awhile. I promnise to tag you guys back as soon as I can.


Now, off to the General Assembly of BES! (go Ella! go Mik!)

Labels: depression and tears, RENT, revelations, school, school woes, sick

LSS OF THE DAY: "THE INQUISITION" BY MEL BROOKS

It's so funny! Mel Brooks is a bloody genius! You people gotta watch it! I got the link from YouTube -- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lAVJ9ZyghlA


There's been a change of plan. I'm going to the dorm tomorrow; apparently, my Tita thought that since I have nothing to do there anyway, I might as well stay over for another night and go to the dorm tomorrow. I am so grateful for her suggestion


I woke up this morning, alone, in my cousin's room (she had to leave early because she had classes) and for the first time in a long time, I cried. I cried, and cried, and cried, until I couldn't cry anymore. For the past few weeks I've been dreading my return to Manila. Sure, I have to fulfill my educational requirements so I could have a good life when I get older. But now, now..I'm not so sure if I want to stay here any longer. I've been feeling depressed since June came around; I knew that it was only a matter of time before I leave the comfort and safety of my home and venture into the big city, by myself. I know that I have relatives here who I can lean on, but they aren't there for me all the time, even if they want to. And my friends and family's two hundred kilometers away from me; so, yes, I am alone.



I know that I should be used to it by now; after all, I have spent a whole school year in a dorm where they charge you for everything, a school where they let you go about your business with people just passing you by without a second glance, a curriculum which was harder for me to digest and get into my system, a schedule that sometimes gave me huge problems that I wanted to jump off a building, a heartbreak that threatened to end my life as I know it, and facing people with the most plastic faces I have ever had the priviledge of meeting. I've been through a lot of stuff last year, but all of them were wiped away in an instant after seeing the St. Raymond's building looming threateningly above me during enrollment. I felt so small, insignificant and it felt like the first day of school all over again; where you feel awkward walking down the hallways and too shy to ask for directions to your classroom. So, tomorrow, will be my first day of college, all over again...


I hate to have to go to school tomorrow. I want to go back to Dagupan; but I have to suck it all in and go on. I have no choice. Another long year's waiting to be experienced and told; all I have to do is to fend for myself when its needed and hold my head up high, even if I'm all torn and broken on the inside.


Alright, enough of that crap. Since I had no plans for today, and my last day of freedom, I asked my Tita if I could accompany her when she goes out and she agreed. First we went to the Fort because she had to attend a meeting there; I asked to be dropped off at Bonifacio High Street in Serendra (or is it the other way around?); because, Krispy Kremes was there. So for a full hour (or more) I stayed there, eating donuts and and drinking Pepsi. When she told me that she was done with the meeting, we went to the place where one of her husband's clients was and she asked me to hand over some documents to the secretary of the client. I had to ask what floor the guy was on because even my Tita wasn't very sure where it was. When they told me where it was, I hopped onto the elevator and slowly made my ascent to the fifth floor. When I got there, I handed over the document to the secretary then she made me write my Tito's name as sender before I went back to the elevator. It took me a moment to realize that I didn't know which floor I came from. Since there were other people in the elevator with me I didn't want to act like I was new to that place so I just pushed one of the buttons at the bottom of all the other buttons and waited. When I came off the floor, I realized that I was in the wrong floor; so I waited for the next elevator down. When it came, I pushed another button, hoping that that was it. But the moment that the doors opened, I knew that I was still in the wrong floor; because I got off at the parking lot which was so NOT the floor from where I came from. I stepped out of the elevator anyway and acted as if I was looking for someone as the door clattered shut behind me. I nervously pushed the UP button and waited for the next elevator. When it finally came, I pushed the button below the parking lot button; and to my immense relief, I was on the right floor. I ran outside, grateful that I didn't have to spend the rest of my life trying out the other buttons and live the rest of my life there. I related the whole story to my Tita and we just laughed about it because she had the same experience before. Then we drove off to the IBC-5 station because she had to talk to someone; I waited for her in the car. About twenty minutes later she came back and we drove back home.


So, this may be my last post for awhile. As I said in my previous post, I will still answer your tags and I'll update from time to time, but not as much as before. I will miss this. Oh well. Time to snap back to reality.


By the way, one of my classmates from high school sent me this message just awhile ago:

"You know your in love when you walk around with that goofy smile and you can't help but hug everyone.

Life's supposed to be difficult. If it wasn't, we would never learn anything.

If you want crappy things to stop happening to you, then stop accepting crap and demand somethin' more"

True. I just discovered the use of the blockquote tag yesterday. Me so slow! Hahahaha!


Alrightie then, I'll stop now. 'Til next time everyone. 'Til then, keep hittin' my tagboard and keep on leaving comments and I'll answer you guys as soon as I can


Take care everyone!

Labels: acceptance, depression and tears, hiatus, KRISPY KREMES, Manila life