NO LSS

My sister and I just got back from the Bangus Fest a while ago. SO MANY PEOPLE.







I swear, we were pushing and shoving our way out. And what was worse, my sweat mixed with my sister's sweat and the sweat of whoever I got squished next to; which was like, about more than fifty different people, more or less. One word: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.







My sister was already shouting at the people in front of us to move because they would move, yes, but when someone famous goes onstage (Mark Herras and Angelika dela Cruz were the unfortunate celebrities who were onstage at that time) they just stop and they complain that people are pushing them from behind. Like, HELLO! You were leaving too, remember?







My hair smells of smoke (from the grills and the innumerable number of people who were smoking near us) and sweat. My shoes used to be white; now their black from all the people who stpeped on my feet while we were still sandwiched. It rained earlier, right? That explains the black muck from my ankle to my knee. Disgusting.







It would have been fun, you know; it should have been fun. Parokya Ni Edgar and Bamboo were there, but, yeah, we couldn't stand it anymore.







And just when we thought that things couldn't get any worse, my sister's phone got snatched. While we were squished against Lord-knows-who's-sweaty-body, she said that she felt her phone "rising" from her pocket, but she pushed it back down; later, when we had a bit of space to move around, she felt her pocket, but it was gone. We tried calling it just a minute ago but it was turned off.







She said that she hopes that whoever got it actually deserves it. I'm just repeating what she said.







I wouldn't mind going back next year, but I'm going earlier. WAY earlier.







I'll be going to Manila with my cousin in a few hours. I won't say anything more about it until I get back.






Danzel texted me awhile ago. Quick conversation. But at least he texted. The last time we talked was probably a few days ago or last week.






I think I have a cold coming on. CRAP.

Labels: crap, shitty, sick, summer

LSS OF THE DAY: "TAKE ME OR LEAVE ME"

From: RENT [Movie/Musical]

"Take me for what I am, who I was meant to be. And IF YOU GIVE A DAMN, TAKE ME BABY, OR LEAVE ME."







Yeah yeah yeah, I'm still bitter.







I know I should be over this by now, but, I'm not. Gee, how vague can I get?






I bet you people are probably sick and tired of me ranting on and on and on and on about a certain tall, dark, skinny man who stole my heart and crushed it to pieces. Forgive me for being all senti and emo, but this is how I'm really feeling; and I'm SEMI-DEPRESSED too. What's new, right?







I'm feeling shitty, restless, exhausted, emotionally drained. In short, I feel like CRAP. And I don't like it. I don't like it one bit.







I love him, I really do. But I know I can't have him. Isn't that enough to make me forget that this whole thing ever happened? Apparently, NOT.







CRAP. CRAP. CRAP. CRAP. CRAP. CRAP!







So, anyway, Kathleen, Melanie and Armely came over yesterday so we could watch "Sweeney Todd". Funny really, I watched it last week with my friends when they came over, and now I watched it with them. I guess it's one of those movies that you just gotta have someone near you while watching it. And Armely was sweet enough to text me just to say thank you; it just goes to show that there are still good people left in this world. And needless to say, they added a bit of color to my now dull world of summer.






I was chatting with a few people last night and one of them just happened to be my cousin, Enzo. I remember how close we were when we were kids. Everytime he and his family came to visit, we'd play with each other from the moment we got out of bed in the morning to the moment our parents forced us to go to sleep at night. But then there came a time when they stopped coming for about three or four years, and the next time we saw each other, it was like during those years when we failed to meet, a wall built itself between us. We changed; we were no longer the silly kids who'd run around, chasing each other in the backyard, talking about Power Rangers and our favorite cartoons; we were grown-ups, strangers.







But last night, I felt like the wall was finally crumbling before my very eyes. He was really nice and fun to talk to; all of a sudden I saw the kid I used to play with, through the window of cyberspace. He was open to me, and I to him and we just let our conversation flow freely. I really enjoyed talking to him and I'd be even more happy if that were to happen again. We have a lot of catching up to do, after all.






One thing did make my day yesterday, aside from the girls coming over..I PASSED ALL MY SUBJECTS!






And I just remembered: my birthday's coming up soon; I'm turning the big 1-9 in seven days. The clock's ticking..







I'm bored. I can't wait to go back to Manila and see my friends.








And, although I'm hating myself for admitting it, I'd like to see HIM again..

Labels: crap, depression and tears, friends, RENT, shitty

NO LSS

Shocking, eh?

And just when I thought that things couldn't get any worse, it did. It sooooooooo did.







I guess there's a reason why I haven't been dreaming in my sleep for the past couple of weeks. Usually, I'd see dancing hippos and singing ostriches in leotards and high heels (so reminiscent of Fantasia, don't you think?); strange, yes, but I really do have dreams like that sometimes. I've been wondering why for awhile now; but after last night, I can't help but think that it's either I've gone insane or I'm just thinking plain nonsense.








My dream last night involved, well...him.







We were in a mall, a very unfamiliar one too, if I may add, and while we were walking, he held my hand. An alarm went off in my head and I remember thinking, "Wait, we're not a couple! What the heck?!"; I attempted to make him let go (yes, I really did; and it's up to you if you believe me or not) but he wouldn't. So, I just let him. And later on he was putting his arm around my shoulders, hugging me, whispering sweet stuff to me and all that lovey-dovey whatever. And that went on until I woke up.







Sure, the last thing I thought of before going to bed was "I wonder how he's doing right now.." but I didn't think that I'd dream of him that way!







And I'm not saying that I'm going to cling to that dream because let's face it, it's just a dream. JUST A DREAM.







And I'll just keep repeating that until I convince myself that it's nothing but a dream and not of the "possible" future!







..wait..CRAP! NO!







I should be convincing myself that he's a no-good-egotistical-smoking-drinking-loving-jerk and not the one-guy-who'll-sweep-me-off-my-feet-and-ride-off-into-the-sunset that he is! Wait, that didn't come out right..








UGH. I am so hopeless. Somebody PLEASE kill me now.







On a more different note, Ramiele Malubay got kicked of American Idol this week. So sad! I wanted Christy to go!

"God on high, hear my prayer. In my need, you have always been there.."

Is it too late to ask for a miracle?

Labels: American Idol, crap, depression and tears, dreams, shitty

*This post has been edited.

LSS OF THE DAY: "WITHOUT YOU"

From: RENT [Movie/Musical]

*sigh*





I haven't heard from him since yesterday. And he said that the message he sent me wasn't supposed to be for me. Oh, fine. Whatever.





Do you think I'm paranoid? Thinking of a guy who clearly doesn't think or give a damn about me? I hate it when I feel this way. I feel so helpless.






Maybe I really should move on. Maybe I really should forget about him. But, as I always say, "Easier said than done".






When my friends ask how "we're" doing, I don't know what to say to them. I usually shrug and try to answer as indifferently as I could; but knowing them, I could tell that they can see that it's not just that. I know they can see the hurt and confusion in my eyes, but thankfully, they don't bring it up.





I keep on asking myself, "Why do I even bother?"; and a little voice in my head answers: "Because you love him". ARGH! Stupid voice.





I thought that I was going to enjoy my summer vacation. Kick back, relax and all that stuff. I am relaxing, but when I'm not doing anything my mind tends to wander; and mre often than not, I keep on thinking about him. What he's doing, how he is, if he ever thinks about me, or if I ever cross his mind even for a split second....NO! STOP IT!






As odd and as mean as it sounds, I want to see him bleed as much as I did, and still do, as matter of fact. I want to see that he's really affected, I don't want to just hear him say, "Yeah, I got affected" because it's not enough. I want to SEE it; in his face, in his actions, in everything that he does. I want to see that I'm not the only one suffering from this problem of ours. I know it sounds harsh, but I'm still feeling a little bitter towards him.






*sigh*

I LOVE YOU. EVEN THOUGH YOUR KILLING ME

I'm breaking down. When will this end?

..will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

Labels: crap, depression and tears, love thing, questions, relapse, RENT, shitty

LSS OF THE DAY: "RENT"

From: RENT [Musical/Movie]

Be warned--this is gonna be an emo post.






I just can't stand it anymore! Why is he acting so indifferent? Can't he see that he's making me suffer more? Sure, it was nice of him to ask me if I'm going to the Graduation of our Seniors tomorrow, but he could have at least finished our conversation! I hate it when people leave me hanging without saying "goodbye", especially if the conversation was getting interesting. Sometimes I just want to smack him for being so oblivious to what's going on; maybe that might knock some sense into him.






I'll admit that I'm weak when it comes to him. I can't stop myself from opening up to him or spilling me heart out; it comes naturally, really, especially if I feel different for the person on question. I just really hate it when he thinks that everything's "okay" between us then he'll start acting like nothing's happened. Well, that "nothing" pushed me to the brink of my sanity, made me wander aimlessly, made me shed tears, and worst of all, BROKE MY HEART. Yes, my heart got broken--YET AGAIN.






This afternoon, while I was listening to the song "Will I" from RENT, I started crying; I couldn't help it. I wanted to scream, I wanted to pull my hair, I wanted to cry and cry and cry until my eyes dried up; but I didn't. I just let it all out through singing along while I allowed the tears to fall.






I love him. I love him. I love him. I can't get over him. What the hell is wrong with me?!






We NEVER got together, and yet I still have that hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach after a break-up. How did I get so emotionally attached to someone I never had a real relationship with? I want to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, move on, and never look back. But everytime I pick up a piece, I drop it again; and when I move forward, I keep looking over my shoulder. I can't stop. I can't stop..







Now, everybody, SING WITH ME!

..will someone care?
Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?
- "Will I", RENT



This heart is not the first heart broken,
My eyes are not the first to cry,
I'm not the first to know,
There's just no gettin' over you
I know I'm just a fool who's willing
To sit around and wait for you
But baby can't you see,
There's nothin' else for me to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
But now there's nowhere to hide,
Since you pushed my love aside
I'm not in my head,
hopelessly devoted to you

My head is saying "fool, forget him",
My heart is saying "don't let go"
Hold on to the end, that's what I intend to do
I'm hopelessly devoted to you
- "Hopelessly Devoted To You", GREASE


If I loved you,
Time and again I would try to say
All I'd want you to know.
If I loved you,
Words wouldn't come in an easy way
Round in circles I'd go!
Longin' to tell you,
But afraid and shy,
I'd let my golden chances pass me by!
Soon you'd leave me,
Off you would go in the mist of day,
Never, never to know how I loved you
If I loved you.
- "If I Loved You", CAROUSEL

*sigh* I really, REALLY need some sort of distraction or something. I seriously need to get him out of my head.







Damn. I'm falling apart..again.

Labels: crap, depression and tears, love thing, RENT, shitty

LSS OF THE DAY: "FINALE B"

From: RENT [Movie/Musical]

How long has it been? Feels like forever to me






Honestly, everything's a blur to me now. I feel like I'm walking in a daze; everything seems so real, yet, unreal at the same time. Am I making any sense?





Sometimes I ask myself if what would have happened if I never agreed to take him back? Would things be different?





I used to love my solitude; those rare times when I could just kick back, relax and let my mind wander. But when that does happen, I find myself drifting back to our last conversation and before I even realize what's happening, the tears start falling.





It pains me to think that he's found a--replacement for me, for lack of better word; and after all that we've been through, he now only sees, and loves me, as a "friend". Now, tell me that doesn't hurt..I dare you.





One of my friends said that he's not over me; yeah, right. And he expects me to believe that? What a load of crap.





Try as I might, I can't get him off my mind. Somehow he's always being pushed back in. I've tried everything; making new friends, "flirting" with other guys (not THAT kind of flirting; my cousin says that I'm already flirting with them and I don't even know it!), even eyeing guys from a distance. But none of them work. At the back of my mind it's always, "But he doesn't have eyes just like him.." or "He's not as tall as him.." or "He's not as skinny as him..". I want that voice to just SHUT UP and leave me be.





I'm being incredibly stupid just by saying that I still love him, even though deep down, we'll never get back together again. There's something about him that makes it extremely difficult for me to move on. Maybe it was the time we spent together? Or all the fights, laughter and tears that we shared? Two years is a pretty long time too, you know..





I never thought that I'd reach a point in my life where I would feel this way; I'm so torn and utterly confused. I wish that this would never happen again.





I wish that the pain will go away, and never come back. This one heartbreak is enough to last me a lifetime, thank you very much.






"He doesn't love me..he doesn't love me.." Yeah, I should keep telling myself that.





I apologize for this post. I seriously need to get my life back in order before I kill myself. I'm serious. I'm depressed enough as it is..

Labels: depression and tears, growing pains, heartbreak, love thing, past love and new hate, RENT, shitty

LSS OF THE DAY: "GOODBYE LOVE"

From: RENT [Movie/Musical]

New Year, yes, but same old habits





I'll pick up from where I left off; the Baguio trip. It was a lot of fun! Went horseback riding, bike riding and boat riding in the rain. My sister actually talked to her horse! My horses' name was Spirit





Skip to New Year's Eve: baked cookies! Just check out my Multiply. My cousin Andrea and I didn't sleep at all. Until now my head is still aching due to lack of sleep.





I just finished reading "The Golden Compass" by Philip Pullman; it's quite nice. I'm reading the second book now.





I know, not very helpful, but I'm feeling a little depressed since school starts tomorrow; I know, who starts school on a Thursday? It's completely ridiculous!





So....I gotta go pack.





Bye for now, love!

Labels: books, family, holidays, RENT, school, shitty

LSS OF THE DAY: "I'LL COVER YOU" FROM THE MOVIE, "RENT"

Yesterday, it was the sad version; now its the happy version. I love listening Jesse L. Martin and Wilson Jermaine Heredia; their voices are perfect

My current desktop:

What can I say? I'm proud of my school





My current wall paper on my cell phone:





I LOVE HIM TO DEATH!

If I find an even BETTER picture of him, I am so gonna take it!

Glorietta2 got bombed this afternoon and I'm scared as hell; so far we haven't gotten any news if any of our family members were there (my tita and her two kids often go there) and we are so thankful.



I am loving The Eagles. They may be a little old, but the are still the best; try listening to their song "How Long".



I am still obsessing over the Draco-Hermione pairings in FanFiction; good thing I'm not the only one



Uhh..excuse me? Romeo who? Next!. I can be so mean sometimes; but nah, I'm kidding; I'm still not over him. But I'm trying; it takes time to forget about these things but I'm not rushing 'coz there's no need to rush in the first place. As of now, Tony's my man; well, he's always been my man



I watched the movie "Cassanova" starring Heath Ledger and I must say that I underestimated that movie; it was quite entertaining. I love the way Sienna Miller portrayed her character; and Heath Ledger was absolutely perfect for the role!



Okay, I'm off to reading more FanFics!

Labels: ADAM LOVE, FanFic, goin' oldies, movie mania, RENT, shitty, TONY LOVE

Wow. How did that get there?



Something's wrong with the internet; I can't view my blog or other people's blogs, I can't check my mail, and I can't open other websites. I can't even open the site where I get my emoticons. What the hell is going on?!



We were watching then news awhile ago and all we heard were "this guy cheated on the elections" or "this person paid some other person to add more ballots that has his/her name on it" and so on. Are they really that desperate to win? They're all a bunch of spoiled-sports; they can't accpet the fact that the people don't want them in office and yet they still force themselves to win by cheating. Hell.



American Idol! The final three contestants, JORDIN SPARKS, MELINDA DOOLITTLE and BLAKE LEWIS did really well. Each contestant gets to sing three songs; one song that was picked by one of the judges, one song that the producers picked for them and one song that they pick for themselves. They all got good comments from the judges and they totally rocked the stage. I loved Blake's version of "This Love" by Maroon5; his beat-boxing was of the hook! And for the first time in a long time, Simon's actually in a good mood. I wonder why. A lot of people are betting that either Melinda or Blake are gonna go but a slightly smaller number of people think thaty Jordin's gonna be voted off. We'll find out tomorrow!



I'm not in the mood to say much today. Darn internet.



Hell.

Labels: American Idol, dirty politics, shitty