Yesterday (January 17) was the last day of exams and I kept remembering what one of my friends said while we were waiting for the professor to come in: "Lui, your blooming". My answer: "I'm going home later".


I swear, I don't think I'll ever get used to the fact that I practically live in Manila already. I still pine for my family, my room, my books, and everything that I left behind. I guess it's just one of those things that will forever stay with me for as long as I live. That'll be the death of me, I'm sure.


As we pulled away from the bus station, a thousand thrills rushed through my veins. I think that was the only time that it totally sunk in. I was going home.


The first part of the trip was a blur to me. Traffic was horrible, as always. I think it took us almost an hour to get to NLEX, when it would have normally just taken us 10-15 minutes. That's how bad it was. I remember being tired, and yet, I couldn't bring myself to calm down to rest. It didn't even bother me that I was expected to stay put for five hours with only Tony (my iPod) to keep me company.




When we stopped in Dau, the passenger sitting beside me got up and literally jumped off the bus, rummaging through her bag in a rush and almost knocking over the conductor. I wondered vaguely that at least she didn't trip and fall on her face. Shrugging, I turned to face the window, where I was sitting. I was swaying slightly to the song that Tony was playing for me, What You Own from RENT, when I heard someone ask, "Miss, is this seat taken?".


I looked up. And my heart stopped.


A guy was standing in the aisle, he looked about my age, wearing a white jacket and jeans, carrying a blue backpack, as other passengers were passing around him to get to their seats. My seat was the second row from the door so it's pretty easy to see me. And my vacant seat. And to top it all off, he was smiling. It didn't help that he looked oh-so-cute.


I blinked. I couldn't even trust myself to speak, so I just shook my head, trying to smile a little bit, despite my growing nervousness.


He took the seat, and I ALMOST turned my back on him, suddenly finding the trash can outside the window very interesting. But I could still see what he was doing from his reflection; he placed his bag under the seat, asked the lady in front of him to straighten out her's out since he was almost getting squished, then he leaned back.


My mind was in total confusion, my heart not faring any better. That feeling of light-headedness overwhelmed me and I tried to stop myself from letting my imagination get the best of me.


Once we were back on the road, I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand up, as if someone was watching me. At this point, the conductor turned on the TV so I pretended to be so engrossed in Kakasa Ka Ba Sa Grade 5? when I was really concentrating on my peripheral vision.



He was staring at me. He was really staring at me. I started to get uncomfortable. I remember opening my bag to put Tony back in, and he continued to watch me. I began to wonder if he was thinking of snatching my bag so I hugged it closer, pretending to ignore his very presence.


Needless to say, it didn't really work. I tried not to squirm too much. I caught him staring at me more than twice. And again. And again. And the thing is, I still didn't know what to feel; annoyed, flattered, pissed, elevated or whatever.


Stopover at Tarlac. He got off, but he still kept looking back at me, even though he was already walking away. I stayed put, not wanting to test what was left of the feeling on my legs. I silently prayed that this was his stop, so my emotions would die down and leave me at peace. I took a few deep breaths, allowing my nerves to relax a bit, but even I knew that it wouldn't last because I saw him standing outside. Looking at me.


We held each other's gaze for I don't know how long, but I do know that I was the first one to look away. My heart was spluttering like crazy and I was ashamed at myself for even feeling that way. And for a GUY, no less. I'm not supposed to get giddy! How pathetic.


He went back in, and I thanked the high heavens that I was in control of my myself. I heard him sniff and cough. The bus was pretty cold, so it didn't surprise me that he should be feeling really crappy. I felt sorry for the guy, so I offered the Strepsils I always kept in my bag; he refused, but with a smile.



We were quiet for a while. Then I noticed him take out his cell phone and twirl it around his fingers. He locked and unlocked the keypad a few times, even though there were no new messages and he wasn't texting anybody. I could tell that there was an inner battle raging inside him, but I could only guess what was the cause.


Then he suddenly blurted out: "Can I have your number?"


Now that caught me off guard, but good thing I was still managed to think straight.


"Why?" I asked.


He had the grace to smile shyly at me, before answering. "Because....."




He left that word hanging, and I was momentarily torn between what I thought was right, and what was wrong. I weighed my options. On one hand, if I gave him my number, I'd gain a friend. I mean, if we were taking the same bus, that should be sort of like a link. And if not, then nothing happens. I didn't think that I'd lose anything. If things end badly, or he didn't turn out to be what I expected him to be, I have none to blame for myself. It's a risk, but I'm willing to take it. So I threw caution to the winds.


"Okay".


He handed me his phone, I typed my number, and put my nickname. No first name, no last name, no e-mail address. Just that.


When I gave it back, I noticed that he stared at my number for a while, then saved and re-saved it. The next time I looked, my name appeared three times.


"Where are you from?" he asks.


"Dagupan. But I study in Manila". Crap. Shouldn't have said that. SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT.


"Where did you go to high school?" - Him.

"Dominican School". - Me.


"Ahh. So you know Dianne Domalanta?" - Him.

"Dianne? Joanna Marie?" - Me.


"Yeah". - Him.


"She was my classmate. How do you know her?" - Me.


"She's my first cousin". - Him.


Wow. My already small world just got smaller.


"Where do you study?" I asked.


"Clark. I'm studying to become a pilot. So, is this your real name?" Ooh. Very inquisitive.


"No. It's just my nickname". Ooops. Stupid nerves. Making me blabber.


"What's your real name, then?"


I shook my head. "I don't like people calling me by my first name". Which is very true.


"Ahh. I see. That's okay. I'll ask Dianne when I get home". Ugh. CRAP.


"And yours is?"


"Adrian".


The bus was already moving at this time, and we fell silent again. I continued to look out the window, and I still felt him looking at me. It was a while before I realized that he was dozing off or probably already asleep, his jacket draped over his head. I sighed with relief. Finally. No more staring.


I felt my phone vibrate in my bag, so I took it out and found that I had three unread messages. I probably didn't feel the first two come in. The recent one was from my Mom, asking where I was. The next one was a forward from one of my friends. And the last one was from an unregistered number. It said: "Good night. I couldn't stay awake anymore. Haha".


I smiled a bit. Okay, he's shy.



We continued on our way, and he slept on. When we were in Urdaneta, I was beginning to wonder if he was aware that we were nearing his stop. I knew where his cousin lived, and he did mention that they'll see each other, so I assumed that that's where he's heading. My musings were interrupted when he stirred in his sleep, because his jacket was slipping off his head. He readjusted himself, then his eyes snapped open, catching me by surprise. He smiled a bit, but I didn't know how to react. So I tried to smile back. I don't think it looked that convincing.


Urdaneta passed by. Sta. Barbara loomed ever closer. He got his bag from under the chair and set it on his lap. He continued to cast a few glances at me.


Then he stood up, faced me, and said, "Bye", which I returned. I watched as he got off, then he stood outside, looked up at me, and waved. I only copied him half-heartedly.


When he was out of my line of vision, I don't know why, but I smiled. It got bigger, and bigger, and bigger. I felt my heart swell and burst. I felt the blood rush to my cheeks. What the hell was up with me?!




For the rest of the trip, I re-played our conversation. Everything that passed between us. His shy glances. His stare.


Looking back on it now, I can't help but scold myself for falling into something like that. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER. Part of me knew that it was the wrong thing to do, but I went with it anyway. Normally, I'd just say "no" straight up, but there was something about him...


I really can't help but wonder--why him? Why then? Why? What was that about?


I tried to wake myself up, convinced that I was dreaming. I wasn't normally like that so this sudden change of attitude was the last thing I expected. It was sort of new to me, since I haven't felt that way in a long time.


And, yes, it was the first time that anyone's ever asked for my number that way so I really didn't know how to react. It was spontaneous. It was different. It was---refreshing.




I remembered the draft of Midnight Sun that I read some time last year, and what Edward Cullen said: "Could a dead, frozen heart, beat again? It felt like mine could". That pretty much sums up what I was feeling.


Is it----possible?




And just when I thought that my day was finally over, I was wrong. I got a text message that same night, from a certain someone, asking for my forgiveness. This certain someone was my "almost" last year, that crashed and burned. We haven't been on very good terms since then, but we're okay now.


I'm beginning to wonder if Fate's got something planned for me. I'm not looking forward to that, though. I have enough trouble in my life to last me a millenia, thank you very much.


Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. This shouldn't be happening.



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Wow. How long did it take me to finish this? Hahaha! :D

I'm so not good with narratives. Sorry if I didn't make much sense :))


*Song featured: What Is This Feeling - WICKED

Okaaaaaaaaaaaaaay. Talk about abandoned, huh?


But anyway, I'm back in school, (back to REALITY's more like it), and as always, got a lot of sutff to do. Pre-lim exams are next week and I'm forcing myself to feel the pressure just so I can actually get myself to do something useful. So far, it isn't working, but I'm still trying.


Rehearsals. AGAIN. But not for C'EST A NOUS. I'm beginning to doubt whether we're really gonna have a repeat perfomance but I'm not gonna stop hoping for that. Remember what I mentioned about our major production? Yeah, that one. I'm just gonna be in one scene where I have to say lines and I'll be parto f the chorus in other scenes. I wasn't eexpecting to be a performer for this production like the last one, but it seems to me that I'm doomed to be one forever. Not that I'm complaining or anything.


As much as I want to update all the time, I just can't. But I can promise to make my entries as length-y as possible when I do.


Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. PRESSURE. PRESSURE. PRESSURE!


























Nope. Still not feeling it.


Ghad, what is wrong with me?!