i remember it like it was just yesterday..

my brother, sister and i were dropped off at home at around 5:50 p.m. and we were so tired. all i wanted to do was eat my dinner, do my homework and go to bed. but that was not gonna happen that easily. because my mom came out of her room and told us that we were gonna visit our lola who was in the hospital. she told us to just eat our dinner and we'll go straight to the hospital. we all agreed. lola was taken to the hospital like a day before. it really wasn't a surprise, but we were worried nonetheless.

here's the thing: lola was sent to makati med last 2001. she was seriously ill and almost died. but luckily, she lived. and then she had a angioplasty (i'm not sure of the spelling) on january this year. the doctor's said that it would guarantee that it will let her live for another 20 years. and we believed it.

so, going back, we quickly ate our dinner and went to the hospital. mom led us to lola's room; when we were there, she was asleep. her "yaya" ate riza, woke her up. she did wake up and sat up. and in no time at all, we were talking and laughing.

"my birthday is in 2 days", lola said. "have you already prepared the food? have you told everybody about the party? make sure a lot of people come!" she was saying stuff like that. and yes, her birthday was coming really soon. she was turning 74. and after the talk about the party subsided a little, lola started making plans for her 75th birthday.

"lola! it's too early! that's still a year away!" we exclaimed. lola laughed, but she went on with it anyway.

my dad came and our discussions became longer and more interesting. i remember telling him that i will be able to help out in preparing for lola's party since i was half-day on that day. i excitedly told him and lola and she was really happy about it.
about an hour later, we had to go since we had school the next day. before we left, lola gave me fig newtons. i ate one while we were talking and another one on the way home so only 2 pieces were eaten. when we were about to leave, we kissed her goodbye and she was about to sleep again. then we left.

i remember praying that night to God and i remember saying "please help her get well and please let her live long" or something like that.

the next day, i was waiting for my service to pick me up when i forgot something in my room. i went back to get it and i was in a big hurry because the service might be there any minute. as i went through my things, someone knocked on my door; when i opened it, i found my sister standing there with her hands in her mouth as if she was gonna whisper something to me.

"lola died last night" she said softly.

i froze. i couldn't believe what i just heard. i closed the door and sat in my bed. i began recalling all the things that happened the night before and i really couldn't believe what my sister said. i remember when we were back in the hospital, ate riza said that lola was going to be discharged the next day since she was already feeling better. and now, this happened! we expected her to come home, not come home like that! i sat for a long time, until finally, i couldn't take it anymore. i buried my hands in my face and i cried. i cried as if i've never cried in my life. "this isn't real", i thought to myself; "this isn't real. lola is still in the hospital, packing her things and getting ready to go home". but in my heart, i knew that it was a lie. i tried to regain my composure. so i stood up, and got out of my room. i looked over at my sibling's room. i found my sister sitting in her bed and facing the wall. my mom was sitting behind her and was talking to her. my brother was on his bed, crying softly. i went in and sat by my mom. words failed us. mom hugged us and she whispered to us how much lola loved us and how special we were to her (my dad was her only child that was left here in dagupan while everyone else were in manila or in the states). we all cried so hard. as we went out of the room, my service came. i quickly gathered up my things and went out. when i got in, i sat facing the window so no one could see my tears. as we were passing by arellano, i received a message from my dad. here's what it said:

"You okay, Lui? As i told pat, u wer lucky that u still managd to visit n talk to lola last nyt. She enjoyd ur visit. When she died, i stood by her bed n askd her to look aftr the 3 of you. Pls pray 4 her. She loved u guys a lot".

a new wave of tears began forming in my eyes as i finished reading the text. i tried to hold them back. "i couldn't do this", i thought; "i just couldn't". when my service mates asked me why i was crying, i just told them that i saw a sad movie before the service picked me up. i couldn't tell them yet, so i had to say it.

so i spent the whole day suddenly bursting into tears as i sat in my desk, listening to the teachers. i can't help it. my lola is gone and so did my desire to learn. she was like a second mother to me; she was my strength. she was the one i would run to when i have problems; and she never failed to help me and support me. now that she's gone, who do i run to now?
oh, and as for the fig newtons that lola gave me, i didn't eat them. they're still in our refrigerator. i can't bring myself to finish them. that was the last thing she gave me before she died.
and now, 2 months after her passing, i'm still depressed about it. i couldn't stop crying whenever i think about her. i pray for her every day.

she made a promise to me to take me to the states one day; but her health prevented her from fulfilling it. i didn't expect to go because i thought she was joking. but she was really serious. some time before she died, she gave my dad some money and she said,"if luisa goes to the states, give this to her". she gave me $100. i was really touched when i found out, and that made me miss her even more. in a way, she did fulfill her promise. my dad continued it for her. lola never breaks her word (i think it's a german thing since my lola was half-german)
and now, everytime i go to tapuac, to her house, it's empty. no lola sitting in the table, eating a sandwich and drinking coffee; no lola to talk and share stories with; no lola to help me with all my problems; no lola to visit us every other weekend; no lola to visit every chance we get; no lola to come home to when we didn't ride in the service..no more lola..all that's left, are memories. and these are what i'm gonna cherish for the rest of my life.

i'm really trying to cope with the loss, i really am. God knows how i'm trying! but i can't. i find it very hard to move on. i grew up with my lola and we lived under the same roof together for 11 years and 3 months. she was always there when i needed her. and right now, i really need her.
i don't know how long it's gonna take me to recover; a year, three years, five years, even ten. this is a wound that goes way too deep; too deep to heal. if it does heal, the scar will remain and the pain will stay with me for the rest of my life. all i can hope for now, is a miracle. i know my lola wants me to move on, but i really can't. if you think i'm too "over-dramatic", well so-o-rry! put yourself in my position and let's see how you feel about it! and so, as of now, i'm still trying to recover.

but will i ever recover? only time can tell..


Marlene Gisela de Venecia Oviedo
Born February 11, 1931- Died February 10, 2005
She will always be loved and remembered.

I love you lola. And I always will.