"Deck the halls with balls of holly, fa la la la la la la la la;
'Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la ...."

HA! I wish!

Well, it's Christmas time again. Lots of lights, food, laughter and stories to go around as if there were no tomorrow. I know that a lot of people are off somewhere celebrating, drinking vast amounts of wine and beer along the way. But me, I'm just sitting in front of the computer, wondering where my life will lead to. I know that I should be happy right now, but sadly, I'm not. Given the circumstances, I don't know if I wanna live through another Christmas. Or another day as a matter of fact.

My parents are separated, you see. My dad's in Manila because he wanted to see his sister. My mom's in her room right now; probably sleeping. My brother and sister are watching t.v.

Where's the holiday spirit?

Ever since my parents separated, my siblings and I have been in constant dilemma. Who will we stay with once they get a divorce? Will we get separated from each other next? How will we spend the holidays together? How will we celebrate New Year if they don't want to be together?
On the Christmas thing, at first we refused to choose between our mom and dad because we thought that it was totally unfair. We even threatened to be "rebellious" if they didn't give in to our demands. But they didn't budge. So we finally decided on spending Christmas with mom, and we'll spend New Year with dad.

Every Christmas Eve, we'd go to our great-grandmother's house in Perez and sing songs and eat her "world-famous cookies" as we fondly call them. Then it's off to my grandmother's house in Tapuac where we sing more carols and open gifts. Afterwards, we go to Dominican to attend Mass there. Then back to Tapuac where we'll spend the rest of the night talking, laughing, eating and hold a "who-can-stay-up-the-longest-without-falling-asleep-contest" among us cousins.

Those were the good times.

But my great-grandmother passed away two years ago and my grandmother left us soon after. Now my parents refuse to put up with each other even for just one night; we've got nothing to do.

Well, yesterday was Christmas Eve. You know what we did? We went to the mall, and then to Manaoag. When we got back home, it didn't feel like it was Christmas Eve at all. Because we no longer anticipated our "traditional out-goings" at night. No great-grandmother, no grandmother..and now, no father. We just ate our dinner, greeted each other a "Merry Christmas", went off to do our own things (I stayed up until 1 in the morning), and that's it.

Wonderful, eh?

It tears me apart to see my brother and sister just sitting there with downcast faces and complaining about how this was "the worst Christmas ever"; although I do have to agree with them on that. Isn't Christmas a time for family? A time of sharing and giving? A time for love? In my case, it's none of those things. I feel so depressed, alone and unwanted for some reason. Gone were the days that made me anticipate every single picture-perfect moment; gone were the days when we'd sit around the Christmas tree, comparing sizes of the gifts that were just waiting to be unwrapped. I doubt if they'll ever come back.

Forgive me for letting you read this sad story of mine, but I hope that after reading this, you should be thankful for all the things that you have. If your parents are still together, good for you! I hope that this will open your eyes to the harsh reality of life today that not even the spirit of Christmas can eradicate. I may be having a hard time at the moment, but I'll try my best to live through it. Even if I do want to die right here, right now.

Happy holidays everyone. Merry Christmas.

"Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter you used to bring me?
Why did you fade away?
My world is changing, I'm rearranging;
Does that mean Christmas, changes too?"

posted last 12-24-2005