Well, it's New Year's Eve today. Yippee. Yeah right. Big deal.

Frankly, this day doesn't feel any different from all those other days that have gone by. Still the same stinkin' day. New Year. Yeah right.

As I look back on this year's "events", I kinda wish that I died when I tried to kill myself. I'd give anything to wipe away all the memories I had of the past year. I still cry everytime I think of the stuff that's happened.

When I found out about my parents separating...

The loss of my grandmother...

My "health scare"...

The "evil woman" confronting me in school...

One right after the other. I mean, I haven't even gotten over one thing and then another thing comes along that makes me bleed even more. I try so hard to be strong; believe me, I tried. But I'm tired. I'm so tired of being strong. A lot of people are telling me to be strong; well, needless to say that their advice didn't work. Everytime I try to be strong, more and more things happen that make me weak all over again. So what's the use? I'd rather be weak than waste my time on pretending that I'm strong.

There's another thing: this past year, all I did was pretend. Everything that the people saw, was nothing. All they saw was a disguise, a mask to hide what I'm really feeling. And that mask saved me from all those filthy hypocrites and back-stabbers. I saved myself from the pain that was bound to wash over me when I kept it. The smiles, the laughter. They were nothing but hollow feelings. They weren't real. A disguise. Everything was a disguise.

God it's so hard. I'm hoping that the New Year will be better than this one. I'll be starting college soon. And that's a whole new chapter of my life. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to cope with everything. After all the stuff that happened, I'll try to be strong once more. But not "pretending to be strong", but really mean it. I'll be needing all the strength I can get to face another year of torture and depression.

I hope I'm ready for it........