WOW!!!

Whatta week!!

Okay, so, we had our first day of classes nung Wednesday. At the entrance of the Faculty of Arts and Letters building, I heard one of the students asking the guard kung nasaan yung room 109. which was my classroom. So I ran up to her and then we talked on our way to our classroom. Pagkapasok namin dun, lahat nagtinginan sa amin! I guess they were expecting the teacher to come in at any moment. HEHEHEHEHEHEHE!! Anyways, we took our seats and started talking. About 10 minutes later, our professor arrived. He looked pretty old but he had that air of authority around him. We stood up, prayed (at first I didn't think that we would still be doing this in college but I was wrong, hehehehehe!!) and we began introducing ourselves. When he called out my name, I said:

"Good morning, sir. I am Luisa Dominique C. Oviedo, but my friends call me "Lui". I am from Dagupan City, Pangasinan which is also known as the "Bangus Capital of the Philippines" (yari met!!!!hahahahahahaha!!) and I graduated from Dominican School, Dagupan City"

He actually smiled when I said the Bangus Capital thing. When we asked for his name, (Philosophy pala subject namin nun) he simply said, "Coming soon..." Astig talaga siya! Hehehehehehe!!

Our next subject was History. May assignment na kaagad!!!! Tapos yung textbook pa namin dun ang hirap hanapin!!!

Then came Literature. Ooooohhhhh..Here comes "Madame Terror Big Mac". Dang, she's strict!!! Nagbigay din ng assignment!!! Grrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

Hindi nagpakita yung professor namin sa English. Hehehehehehehe!!!

Dami pala pumunta na organizations sa classroom. Ang saya!! The students from higher years were so nice and they were willing to help us look for our books. Tapos si kuya Kevin palabas-pasok siya. Lagi niya nakakalimutan yung mga dapat sasabihin niya sa amin. Hehehehehehe!!!

Then I went back to the dorm, had lunch. Yun lang naman. 11 ako nadidismiss pag MWF. 1 pag TTh. Ganda noh? Heehee!!!


2ND DAY...

First subject namin Behavioral Science. Mabait yung professor namin. And she's pretty good. Pati yung professor namin sa Economics (2nd subject namin), magaling siya. An nice, at may konting pagkastrict.

Our professor in Theology didn't show up.

Professor namin sa Sociology, dang, we got hella scared of her when she came in. She didn't even smile!! We were hella freaked out coz she spoke in a very commanding tone! Then she started asking questions about what we thought Sociology was and what were our first impressions of her. She really didn't smile! And when one of my classmates laughed at what he just said, our professor just glared at him and asked him what was so funny. Creepy. Then suddenly, she started smiling and asked for her trophy for "Best Actress"!!! She was just fooling around with us!!! All of us were clutching our sides and from laughing and cheering so hard! She's good!! Hahahahahaha!!

We were dismissed mga quarter to 1. Then my new friends and I went to the Mcdonald's inside the campus. We ate and talked. Then we went to the library to do some research for our assignments. Couldn't find any so I went back to the dorm.

Yun lang naman. Hehehehehehe!!


3RD DAY...

We had a diagnostic test in Philosophy. Weird questions. Like, "What is beautiful"?, or "What is the measure of good?". Naks, ang lalim!!! Hehehehehe!!!

Nung History, we had a new seating arrangement. And we had our recitation! Nakasagot naman ako. Hehehehehe!!

Nung Literature and English, no professors!!!!!! Yippeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Hahahahahaha!! Around this time, I exchanged cell numbers with some of my classmates. Ang dami Globe sakanila!!! Ang saya!! Daming textmates!!

Then I went to my dorm, had lunch, packed my stuff, waited for my cousin to take me to the bus station, then I went to Dagupan!!! Yehey!!!! :)


BACK HOME...

I arrived mga 8:30. Hindi pa tumigil sa terminal yung bus. I had to cross the street and walk to the terminal! Ang bigat pa naman ng bag ko! ASAR!!!

My mom picked me up, went to Jollibee, then went home!!!!

Right now, I just came back from my classmate's house. I went to school earlier. It was so great to see my friends again. And my boyfriend!!! Hehehehehe:)

Hay..It feels so good to be home. :)

I'm leaving for Manila again tomorrow morning.

Back to school...*sigh*

Oh well, at least I still have a home to go to. :)

I woke up around past 10 today. my boyfriend got pretty pissed coz he doesn't want me to stay up too late. *sigh* Oh well. He isn't pissed anymore, thank goodness. Hehehehehe:).

I surfed the net after lunch (YouTube and BlogSpot!!!). I tried looking for other blog skins but I couldn't find good ones so I just settled with what I have right now. It took me a long time to look through some of the blog skins that came up on Google; 500!!! Dang! Hehehehehee!!!

Anyways, after that my cousin Maui and I went to the main house (I was staying in the guest house) and watched t.v.

Then we went to SM Fairview. Hehehehehe!! There were a hella lot of people!! We went to the Department Store and the grocery. We had a lot of trouble going through the crowds.

Now we're back home. Just finished eating dinner. Watching "Freaky Friday" on Disney.

I'm going to the Sta. Catalina dorm tomorrow. My classmates Taryna and Catherine texted me while I was in SM and told me that they were in the dorm and Margaux texted me soon after. My schoolmates from school are goona start their classes tomorrow, while mine start on Wednesday. College. Wow. Exciting and nerve-wrecking at the same time. Can't wait. :)

I'm still looking for good blog templates. i'm very picky with the color and design coz I want it to be BLACK. No "girlie" colors for me, thanks! Hehehehehe!

Hi guys!!

My previous posts were from my blog in Friendster, but the thing is, it wouldn't show up on my profile so I transferred some (not all..hehehehe!!) of them here nalang. Sayang din yung mga ginawa ko di ba? Hehehehe!!!

That's all for now!

Peace out!

My eyes hurt. My feet are so sore. My back's still aching. Hay....

Wait, why am I complaining? It was our JS Prom last night. And I had a BLAST!!!!!!

I really didn't think that I was gonna enjoy myself last night, but I guess I shouldn't have thought of that. The ladies were absolutely stunning and the gents were simply....uh....decent. Hehehehehe! The teachers were very gorgeous and (in Sir Baldelomar, Sir Cholas ans Sir Chan's case) quite dashing.

The food was passable. Not as nice as I expected, but at least they fed us. I really shouldn't be complaining about this since I didn't eat anything before I went to Deluxe. Hehehehehe!!!!!!!

And the dancing! Oh my god! Dance 'til you drop!!!!! Or until your feet fall off. HEHEHEHE! My feet are still red until now.

I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me....

I hear you're taking the town again
Having a good time with all your time friends
I don't think that you think of me
You're on your own now
And I'm alone and free
I know that I should get on with my life
But a life without you could never be right
As long as the stars shine down
From the heavens
Long as the rivers run to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me
I try to smile so the hurt won't show
Tell everybody I was glad to see you go
But the tears just won't go away
Loneliness found me, looks like it's here to stay
I know that I ought to find someone new
But all I find is myself always thinking of you
And as long as the stars shine down
From the heavens
Long as the rivers run to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me
No matter what I do
Each night's a lifetime to live through
I can't go on like this
I need your touch
You're the only one I'll ever love
As long as the stars shine down
From the heavens
Long as the rivers run to the sea
I'll never get over you getting over me
I'll never get over you getting over me
Never get over you getting over
I'll never get over you getting over me
********************************************************************************************************
A few months ago, everytime I hear this song, I always sing to it and usually it gets stuck in my head and it stays there until another nice song comes up and takes it's place. The melody, very catchy. The singers, very good. Lyrics....well, I didn't really get it at first. But as time went on, yeah, I did get it. I remember thinking to myself at that time how hard it must be for the person who's going through that...
********************************************************************************************************
Now...I'm in a similar situation. I ended my 4-month relationship (short time, I know) on the night of January 16, 2006, with the only guy I ever loved, with all my heart. Damn. I loved him. A lot. And I still do. He was the only guy that made me feel all those emotions that I never thought were possible for someone like me to feel. He made me so happy. The time we spent together were happiest I have ever experienced. He was always there when I had problems. He always made me laugh whenever I felt low. He made me want to sing and shout at the same time!!! He's all I think about, from the moment I open my eyes in the morning, to when I close them at night; I even see him in my dreams. I really, really loved him. Call me stupid, I don't care. Call me naive, say it straight to my face. I love him. I really, really love him. So very much. He taught me how to feel. He made me feel loved and special. No other guy has ever done that to me....ever.....
******************************************************************************************************
Even before we got together I knew that I had to put my heart on the line if I wanted things to work out between me and him. I gave him my heart, no strings attached. And I loved him. Boy, did I love him! He became my life, he became my soul, he became my everything. I can't believe how blind I was back then. Nothing mattered to me at that time, except for the fact that I was so deeply and crazily in love.
*******************************************************************************************************
Letting him go was the hardest thing I had to do. Although we're still friends, the pain is still there. Raw and fresh. Now, everytime I see him, it feels like someone's squeezing my heart and I find it difficult to breathe all of a sudden. The pain just won't go away. Sometimes I wonder if I did the right thing in letting him go. And sometimes I even wonder if he still cares about me the same way I do for him. But I just slap myself and say that it was for the best. Darn. The things I do for love.
******************************************************************************************************
A lot of people were very surprised when they found out about it. They expected us to stay together for a long time. The "Golden Couple" they called us. I merely smile sadly and shrug my shoulders. All good things must come to an end sooner or later. Especially in affairs that involves the heart.
********************************************************************************************************
Right now, when I hear that song, I have to fight back the tears that threaten to fall. I can't show that I'm weak. I can't show that I'm vulnerable. I have to be strong, even if I'm really dying on the inside. I have to put on a smile, even if it kills me.
********************************************************************************************************
And I have to move on, even if it hurts. :'(


posted last 2-4-2006

Help me..........

Anyone...........

I can't take it anymore...........

My heart can't take it anymore............

I can't go on................

I can't breathe..............

I can't move................

Because of this heartbreak...............

I've become hollow...................

I want to feel again................

I want to move on................

I want to go on with my life.............

Put the past behind me.............

But my heart....................

My heart...................

My heart refuses to do so.................

I need to get over this soon................

Or else.....................

It will be my downfall................

Help me......................

Anybody...................

Please.........................

posted last 2-4-2006

"Forget about him Lui"...................

"It's his loss, not yours".....................

"He doesn't deserve you".................

"Get a grip Lui. You can pull through this".................

"You deserve someone better than him"..................

"He wasn't the right guy for you"..................

"You gotta move on Lui"......................

"Stop thinking about it"........................

"It's not your fault"...........................

"Nobody deserves to get hurt like that"................

"Let it all out Lui. Don't keep it to yourself"..............

"I'll be right here if you need anything".................

"I may not know if he still loves you, but there are a lot more people out there who still love you, and will always love you, no matter what happens".............

to all those people who said these things to me, i really appreciate your help and concern. i'll try my best to move on. you guys have no idea how thankful i am that i have you guys for friends.

thank you so much. love you all! hugs and kisses!!!!

posted last 1-21-2006

Rain is pourin' down like the heavens are hurtin'
Seems like it's been dark since the devil knows when.
How do you go on never knowin' for certain
Will the sun ever shine again?
Feels like it's been years since it started to thunder,
Clouds are campin' out in the valley and glen.
How do you go on when you can't help but wonder,
Will the sun ever shine again?
What if the rain keeps fallin'?
What if the sky stays gray?
What if the winds keep squallin'?
Never go away.
Maybe soon the storm will be tired of blowin'.
Maybe soon it all will be over, amen.
How do you go on if there's no way of knowin',
Will the sun ever shine? Wish I could say.
Send me a sign, one little ray.
Lord, if You're listenin', on all Your children.........
Will the sun ever shine again?

posted last 01-20-2006

I need time to think things over,
Things are just happening way too fast.
I'm still weak, I don't have the strength yet
To forget everything from the past.
I want to move on, erase the memories,
That have haunted me for far too long.
Why can't they leave me alone?
I'm sure that I did nothing wrong.
My world is spiralling into an abyss,
Silent, dark and cold.
I'm only sixteen,
Yet I feel a hundred years old.
The burdens I am carrying are too heavy for me,
And I always struggle in vain.
I cry out for help, begging, for anyone,
But no help came.
Give me a minute, just a minute.
Give me time to clear my head,
Before you throw more things at me.
Make me suffer all you want.
But just give me a minute....

Well, it's New Year's Eve today. Yippee. Yeah right. Big deal.

Frankly, this day doesn't feel any different from all those other days that have gone by. Still the same stinkin' day. New Year. Yeah right.

As I look back on this year's "events", I kinda wish that I died when I tried to kill myself. I'd give anything to wipe away all the memories I had of the past year. I still cry everytime I think of the stuff that's happened.

When I found out about my parents separating...

The loss of my grandmother...

My "health scare"...

The "evil woman" confronting me in school...

One right after the other. I mean, I haven't even gotten over one thing and then another thing comes along that makes me bleed even more. I try so hard to be strong; believe me, I tried. But I'm tired. I'm so tired of being strong. A lot of people are telling me to be strong; well, needless to say that their advice didn't work. Everytime I try to be strong, more and more things happen that make me weak all over again. So what's the use? I'd rather be weak than waste my time on pretending that I'm strong.

There's another thing: this past year, all I did was pretend. Everything that the people saw, was nothing. All they saw was a disguise, a mask to hide what I'm really feeling. And that mask saved me from all those filthy hypocrites and back-stabbers. I saved myself from the pain that was bound to wash over me when I kept it. The smiles, the laughter. They were nothing but hollow feelings. They weren't real. A disguise. Everything was a disguise.

God it's so hard. I'm hoping that the New Year will be better than this one. I'll be starting college soon. And that's a whole new chapter of my life. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to cope with everything. After all the stuff that happened, I'll try to be strong once more. But not "pretending to be strong", but really mean it. I'll be needing all the strength I can get to face another year of torture and depression.

I hope I'm ready for it........

"Deck the halls with balls of holly, fa la la la la la la la la;
'Tis the season to be jolly, fa la la la la la la la la ...."

HA! I wish!

Well, it's Christmas time again. Lots of lights, food, laughter and stories to go around as if there were no tomorrow. I know that a lot of people are off somewhere celebrating, drinking vast amounts of wine and beer along the way. But me, I'm just sitting in front of the computer, wondering where my life will lead to. I know that I should be happy right now, but sadly, I'm not. Given the circumstances, I don't know if I wanna live through another Christmas. Or another day as a matter of fact.

My parents are separated, you see. My dad's in Manila because he wanted to see his sister. My mom's in her room right now; probably sleeping. My brother and sister are watching t.v.

Where's the holiday spirit?

Ever since my parents separated, my siblings and I have been in constant dilemma. Who will we stay with once they get a divorce? Will we get separated from each other next? How will we spend the holidays together? How will we celebrate New Year if they don't want to be together?
On the Christmas thing, at first we refused to choose between our mom and dad because we thought that it was totally unfair. We even threatened to be "rebellious" if they didn't give in to our demands. But they didn't budge. So we finally decided on spending Christmas with mom, and we'll spend New Year with dad.

Every Christmas Eve, we'd go to our great-grandmother's house in Perez and sing songs and eat her "world-famous cookies" as we fondly call them. Then it's off to my grandmother's house in Tapuac where we sing more carols and open gifts. Afterwards, we go to Dominican to attend Mass there. Then back to Tapuac where we'll spend the rest of the night talking, laughing, eating and hold a "who-can-stay-up-the-longest-without-falling-asleep-contest" among us cousins.

Those were the good times.

But my great-grandmother passed away two years ago and my grandmother left us soon after. Now my parents refuse to put up with each other even for just one night; we've got nothing to do.

Well, yesterday was Christmas Eve. You know what we did? We went to the mall, and then to Manaoag. When we got back home, it didn't feel like it was Christmas Eve at all. Because we no longer anticipated our "traditional out-goings" at night. No great-grandmother, no grandmother..and now, no father. We just ate our dinner, greeted each other a "Merry Christmas", went off to do our own things (I stayed up until 1 in the morning), and that's it.

Wonderful, eh?

It tears me apart to see my brother and sister just sitting there with downcast faces and complaining about how this was "the worst Christmas ever"; although I do have to agree with them on that. Isn't Christmas a time for family? A time of sharing and giving? A time for love? In my case, it's none of those things. I feel so depressed, alone and unwanted for some reason. Gone were the days that made me anticipate every single picture-perfect moment; gone were the days when we'd sit around the Christmas tree, comparing sizes of the gifts that were just waiting to be unwrapped. I doubt if they'll ever come back.

Forgive me for letting you read this sad story of mine, but I hope that after reading this, you should be thankful for all the things that you have. If your parents are still together, good for you! I hope that this will open your eyes to the harsh reality of life today that not even the spirit of Christmas can eradicate. I may be having a hard time at the moment, but I'll try my best to live through it. Even if I do want to die right here, right now.

Happy holidays everyone. Merry Christmas.

"Where are you Christmas? Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away?
Where is the laughter you used to bring me?
Why did you fade away?
My world is changing, I'm rearranging;
Does that mean Christmas, changes too?"

posted last 12-24-2005

i remember it like it was just yesterday..

my brother, sister and i were dropped off at home at around 5:50 p.m. and we were so tired. all i wanted to do was eat my dinner, do my homework and go to bed. but that was not gonna happen that easily. because my mom came out of her room and told us that we were gonna visit our lola who was in the hospital. she told us to just eat our dinner and we'll go straight to the hospital. we all agreed. lola was taken to the hospital like a day before. it really wasn't a surprise, but we were worried nonetheless.

here's the thing: lola was sent to makati med last 2001. she was seriously ill and almost died. but luckily, she lived. and then she had a angioplasty (i'm not sure of the spelling) on january this year. the doctor's said that it would guarantee that it will let her live for another 20 years. and we believed it.

so, going back, we quickly ate our dinner and went to the hospital. mom led us to lola's room; when we were there, she was asleep. her "yaya" ate riza, woke her up. she did wake up and sat up. and in no time at all, we were talking and laughing.

"my birthday is in 2 days", lola said. "have you already prepared the food? have you told everybody about the party? make sure a lot of people come!" she was saying stuff like that. and yes, her birthday was coming really soon. she was turning 74. and after the talk about the party subsided a little, lola started making plans for her 75th birthday.

"lola! it's too early! that's still a year away!" we exclaimed. lola laughed, but she went on with it anyway.

my dad came and our discussions became longer and more interesting. i remember telling him that i will be able to help out in preparing for lola's party since i was half-day on that day. i excitedly told him and lola and she was really happy about it.
about an hour later, we had to go since we had school the next day. before we left, lola gave me fig newtons. i ate one while we were talking and another one on the way home so only 2 pieces were eaten. when we were about to leave, we kissed her goodbye and she was about to sleep again. then we left.

i remember praying that night to God and i remember saying "please help her get well and please let her live long" or something like that.

the next day, i was waiting for my service to pick me up when i forgot something in my room. i went back to get it and i was in a big hurry because the service might be there any minute. as i went through my things, someone knocked on my door; when i opened it, i found my sister standing there with her hands in her mouth as if she was gonna whisper something to me.

"lola died last night" she said softly.

i froze. i couldn't believe what i just heard. i closed the door and sat in my bed. i began recalling all the things that happened the night before and i really couldn't believe what my sister said. i remember when we were back in the hospital, ate riza said that lola was going to be discharged the next day since she was already feeling better. and now, this happened! we expected her to come home, not come home like that! i sat for a long time, until finally, i couldn't take it anymore. i buried my hands in my face and i cried. i cried as if i've never cried in my life. "this isn't real", i thought to myself; "this isn't real. lola is still in the hospital, packing her things and getting ready to go home". but in my heart, i knew that it was a lie. i tried to regain my composure. so i stood up, and got out of my room. i looked over at my sibling's room. i found my sister sitting in her bed and facing the wall. my mom was sitting behind her and was talking to her. my brother was on his bed, crying softly. i went in and sat by my mom. words failed us. mom hugged us and she whispered to us how much lola loved us and how special we were to her (my dad was her only child that was left here in dagupan while everyone else were in manila or in the states). we all cried so hard. as we went out of the room, my service came. i quickly gathered up my things and went out. when i got in, i sat facing the window so no one could see my tears. as we were passing by arellano, i received a message from my dad. here's what it said:

"You okay, Lui? As i told pat, u wer lucky that u still managd to visit n talk to lola last nyt. She enjoyd ur visit. When she died, i stood by her bed n askd her to look aftr the 3 of you. Pls pray 4 her. She loved u guys a lot".

a new wave of tears began forming in my eyes as i finished reading the text. i tried to hold them back. "i couldn't do this", i thought; "i just couldn't". when my service mates asked me why i was crying, i just told them that i saw a sad movie before the service picked me up. i couldn't tell them yet, so i had to say it.

so i spent the whole day suddenly bursting into tears as i sat in my desk, listening to the teachers. i can't help it. my lola is gone and so did my desire to learn. she was like a second mother to me; she was my strength. she was the one i would run to when i have problems; and she never failed to help me and support me. now that she's gone, who do i run to now?
oh, and as for the fig newtons that lola gave me, i didn't eat them. they're still in our refrigerator. i can't bring myself to finish them. that was the last thing she gave me before she died.
and now, 2 months after her passing, i'm still depressed about it. i couldn't stop crying whenever i think about her. i pray for her every day.

she made a promise to me to take me to the states one day; but her health prevented her from fulfilling it. i didn't expect to go because i thought she was joking. but she was really serious. some time before she died, she gave my dad some money and she said,"if luisa goes to the states, give this to her". she gave me $100. i was really touched when i found out, and that made me miss her even more. in a way, she did fulfill her promise. my dad continued it for her. lola never breaks her word (i think it's a german thing since my lola was half-german)
and now, everytime i go to tapuac, to her house, it's empty. no lola sitting in the table, eating a sandwich and drinking coffee; no lola to talk and share stories with; no lola to help me with all my problems; no lola to visit us every other weekend; no lola to visit every chance we get; no lola to come home to when we didn't ride in the service..no more lola..all that's left, are memories. and these are what i'm gonna cherish for the rest of my life.

i'm really trying to cope with the loss, i really am. God knows how i'm trying! but i can't. i find it very hard to move on. i grew up with my lola and we lived under the same roof together for 11 years and 3 months. she was always there when i needed her. and right now, i really need her.
i don't know how long it's gonna take me to recover; a year, three years, five years, even ten. this is a wound that goes way too deep; too deep to heal. if it does heal, the scar will remain and the pain will stay with me for the rest of my life. all i can hope for now, is a miracle. i know my lola wants me to move on, but i really can't. if you think i'm too "over-dramatic", well so-o-rry! put yourself in my position and let's see how you feel about it! and so, as of now, i'm still trying to recover.

but will i ever recover? only time can tell..


Marlene Gisela de Venecia Oviedo
Born February 11, 1931- Died February 10, 2005
She will always be loved and remembered.

I love you lola. And I always will.

you were once my one companion,
you were all that mattered.
you were once a friend and grandma;
then my world was shattered.
wishing you were somehow here again,
wishing you were somehow near;
sometimes it seemed if i just dreamed,
somehow you would be here.
wishing i could hear your voice again,
knowing that i never would.
dreaming of you, won't help me to do
all that you dreamed i could.
passing bells and sculpted angels,
cold and monumental.
seemed for you the wrong companions
you were warm and gentle.
too many days, fighting back tears,
why can't the past just die?
wishing you were somehow here again,
knowing we must say goodbye.
try to forgive, teach me to live,
give me the strength to try
no more memories, no more silent tears;
no more gazing across the wasted years.
help me say goodbye.
help me say goodbye..
-adapted from TPOTO

originally posted on 4-22-2005